Just for Fun!


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Send us your best jokes and funniest stories on the Christian life. Submissions go initially to the parish webmaster (for censorship !). Thank you in advance for your thoughtfullness... and don't forget to provide a memorable and meaningful caption.



Pictures, cartoons, songs, and movie clips gratefully accepted via regular email to: hhbv@glimfeather.com

Imitating whom?

  • Revisionist Dictionary..........by Irenaeus
  • Screwtape to Wormwood............by Filmore Strunk
    •
    The Religion of Church

    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck Supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They Ýmay be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    •  Anglicanisms

    Question:Ý What's the difference between God and a bishop?
    Answer:Ý Well...GOD doesn't think He's a BISHOP !

    The Methodists pick you up out of the gutter.
    The Baptists get you saved.
    The Presbyterians educate you.
    The Anglican introduce you to high society.
    Then the Methodists have to pick you up out of the gutter again.

    An Anglican is either a Roman Catholic who flunked Latin or a Presbyterian whose stocks paid off.

    A Anglican priest and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the car, he saw the priest's clerics and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the priest's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."

    An Anglican minister called at a woman's home. He knocked several times and got impatient because he could hear her scurrying around inside. So he wrote a text on his card and left it in her mail box : Revelation 3:20 "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in." Next Sunday as she left the church she slipped him her card with Genesis 3:10 written on it. He rushed home to see what the text was. "I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

    There are of course numerous riddles about how many Anglicans it takes to change a lightbulb. I thought the best answer was "Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to say "We preferred it the way it was before." But then I was told it is actually impossible for Anglicans ever to change a light bulb. There is always a woman who will say "My mother donated that bulb, and you touch it over my dead body."

    A woman had been trying to make up her mind for an hour between a green dress and a red one. The young sales girl was getting exasperated. "Madam, what colors does you husband usually wear?" The woman, whose husband was the Archbishop of Canterbury, said he usually wore a purple gown. "Oh, you've got one of them kinky ones, ave you?"

    10 TOP REASONS TO BE AN EPISCOPALIAN
    10.Ý No snake handling.
    9.Ý You can believe in dinosaurs.
    8.Ý Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
    7.Ý You don't have to check your brains at the door.
    6.Ý Pew aerobics.
    5.Ý Church year is color-coded.
    4.Ý Free wine on Sunday.
    3.Ý All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.
    2.Ý You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.
    and the Number One to be an Episcopalian:
    1.Ý No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
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    Investment Appreciation

    Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

    As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

    "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming, Sister," he replied. "'Don't Despair' paid 80-to-1."

    Justice

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!," he said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically, and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

    Very well", said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke. "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

    Unity of the Faith

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
    I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
    "Like what?"
    "Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
    "Religious."
    "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
    "Christian."
    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Anglican?"
    "Anglican."
    "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Global South?"
    "Global South."
    "Wow! Me too! Do you use the '1928' or the '1979'"
    "'28."
    "Me too! Do you have women priests?" "Of course not"
    "Fantastic! Are you High Church or Low Church?"
    "High Church!"
    "Die, heretic scum!" I said, and pushed him off. Ý